I'm going to do something different here. Instead of listing cons, I'm going to make a CLS/Computershare survival list for any prospective employee. Trust me, you'll want all the help you can get. Ready for success at Computershare? Here we go!
Tip 1: Wear a gas mask to work. You will need this to maintain your health when you are inhaling all of the bad fumes from the toxic environment.
Tip 2: Consider utilizing the Employee Assistance counseling benefit before the workplace anxiety sets in --so you have the tools to cope just in time when you realize that taking this job was a huge mistake.
Tip 3: Consider investing in a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor to reduce being depressed over the fact that you have to go here Monday - Friday.
Tip 4: If you don't have a piece of purple clothing, invest in one. You'll get called out for not wearing purple on employee engagement days.
Tip 5: Second thought, don't buy any purple clothing; that is one unattractive shade of purple. Save your money. Throw yourself under the purple bus and just get called out. Who cares. Just remember, you get paid to do a specific job, not to participate in annoying work activities.
Tip 6: Create a rule in your Outlook email to block any employee engagement emails. That way you can legitimately say that you didn't get the email-- which is why you didn't bring a ridiculous purple hat to wear.
Tip 7: If you do not have unlimited data on your cellphone, get it now. This place is so boring, you'll need all the distractions you can get to make the day pass. Plus, it's satisfying to know that you can still be on all the websites they block. I dedicate a portion of my day to instagram, youtube, pinterest, and hulu. You'll want to do the same. You’re welcome.
*Tip 8: Practice your fake smile.
*Tip 9: Eat as many bananas as you can. You will need to build up your potassium for all the stairs-climbing you will need to do because the elevators are really scary here.
*Tip 10: If you do not feel like taking your break in your car or desk (because there is no breakroom) go sit outside at Pussers. Yes, I said Pussers. It's a Caribbean place. They have outdoor seating.
*Tip 11: Don't even try to understand all the different intranets. Your brain may explode if you do.
* Tip 12: Buy a ton of throat lozenges. You will need them to soothe your sore throat from the over abundance of "diversity pride" that they will jam down it. Seriously, there is a difference between recognizing diversity in a professional manner and recognizing diversity in an over the top way.
The End.
